Sunday, December 31, 2006

things I learnt this year

And now I shall reflect on some of the things I learnt from the year that was 2006:

1. Global warming seems to be a bit of an "issue". According to Dennis Quaid, an important US climatologist, the worst is yet to come. Watch out for those super-cells, they are especially nasty. So let's all recycle. Good.

2. Terrorists are never Americans. It's really that simple.

3. Jack Bauer would make a great president. Everything squared up in 24 hours. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. Yah, that's right. Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

4. Pluto: Still a cartoon dog, but not a planet. After failing to comply with Celestial Body Classification #3 the object has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, Pluto was demoted to "dwarf planet" status. Crap. Now what am I gonna do with my grade 7 science project?

5. We are only as sick as the alien inside us. Quick grab your e-meter and release your inner thetan! Besides being a super way to meet A-listers, "Scientology is the only specific cure for radiation burns." Wow. Impressive. What else L. Ron? "Arthritis vanishes, myopia gets better, heart illness decreases, asthma disappears, stomachs function properly and the whole catalogue of illnesses goes away and stays away." I know my stomachs are already feeling better just listening to your words. Healing power. Praise Xenu!

5. We should all thank youtube for finding a useful medium for glitchy 5-year old web cameras and their pasty teenage basement-dwelling owners.

6. Mac or PC? Microsoft answers the age-old debate with the Zune. Nice One. Really.

Happy 2007!

Friday, December 29, 2006

things I find unsettling about ‘in-between’ BC ferries

The holiday season is a busy time for ferry traffic. That’s why the good folks at BC Ferries have upped the number of ferries “in play” between Swartz Bay and Tsawwassen. You know what that means. The addition of the oh-so-popular “in-between” ferries! After missing the 5 o'clock ferry, we were lucky enough to catch the 6 o'clock holiday “in between-er” ferry, the Queen of Vancouver. This deluxe edition ferry, built in 1962, has a super sweet arcade featuring at least 4 games (tons of fun), a sun deck (lovely in December), a bevy of tourism brochures (useful), and a roomy White Spot slop-n-drop restaurant sandwiched between rust and dirt (nice). Although it was quite a delightful ride across the Straight, I must say that I found a few things quite unsettling. Here are some pictures I captured to unsettle you:

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy Holidays

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Spirit of Christmas

Nothing gets you more in the spirit of Christmas than a trip on the Tsawassen-Swartz Bay Ferry. I can hardly wait to dig into my White Spot pirate pack. I look forward to seeing everyone in Victoria.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Graduation Day

A big congratulations to my mum on her retirement day. I think 40+ years is long enough. Good! Now you have time for the good stuff: Relaxing, traveling, and cleaning your bird bath. Remember, there are doors opening everywhere. I think Dr. Phil said that.

Congratulations to Ry on his UBC MMSI graduation day. We'll have to find room on the walls to put up another certificate of achievement.
Not on my walls though.
Find your own.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Zissou approved activity

Cuba: A remote and fascinating region teeming with extraordinary marine life. We chose the mysterious waters just in front of our resort, mainly due to the relative convenience of it. This was our most ambitious adventure to date.

Monday, December 18, 2006

BC Transit Bus Girl

Before I become an international celebrity for my stellar interpretation of ancient blood lust, I think it's appropriate to take a look back at my humble beginnings in the spotlight.

At the tender age of 22, I was plucked out of my life as an ordinary UVIC student and thrust into the limelight of fame that is the "BC Transit Bus Girl".

I won't lie to you and say that the transition to a province-wide transportation celebrity was easy. I was no longer a face in a sea of disgruntled left-wing students. I was now a recognizable face, a bus legend in the making. Immediately, my new celebrity 'status' changed my simple ways. I was constantly cornered in the university hallways and hassled for autographs.

"Hey! Aren't you the girl... (looks at bus guide).. on the bus guide? Oh yah!! (holds guide up to my face) Yah, that's definitely you! (pause) Did you know you were on the bus guide? Ha ha"

All this newly found fame and fortune took its toll on me. Taking the bus to school everyday became a painful experience. Oh the shame I felt when I stood at the bus stop waiting for the No. 4. I could feel the piercing stares of the passengers as I walked the long squeaky path to the end of the bus where I could shield my face from their mockery. I took to wearing a lot of large sunglasses and sun hats that year. 'Blending' was my key objective.

But how was I to blend or be at peace in my inner temple when people considered me the "Ambassador of BC Transit".

"Hey Bus Girl! When does the Number 14 arrive?"
"What bus do I take to get to Tillicum Mall?"
"공항에게 나를 데려가십시요?"

I don’t know. I don’t work for BC transit. I’m just a student here like you. I don’t speak Chinese. The problems didn’t stop there. I was also blamed for inconsistencies in transportation scheduling and fare increases.

"Hey Bus Girl! Why is the bus always late?"
"This bus smells funny"
“$1.75! Doesn’t the government have enough of my money! And you expect me to pay 25cents to look at your stupid face” (Me: “The bus guide is free”) “Whatever.”

The worst was when the buses went on strike and people threw food in my hair.

Commenting enabled

For those of you unable to post comments due to your non-blogger status, I am sorry. I sure 'googled' it up. Everything is 'squared-up' and ready to go. Post away!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Super Villians

While preparing for the role of soul-sucking Akiimu the Great, I have found myself contemplating the thick murky soup of evil. Evil ‘Super’ Villains like Dark Lords, Vampires, Demons, and the author of the Da Vinci Code. What makes you tick Evil thing? Were you turned over to the dark side or did you choose it?

And so I ask you to help me solve this most pertinent question:

Who is the most Evil?

Lord Voldemort
Professor Snape
the “Others”
bad aliens (in general)
bad machines (like PCs or terminators, in general)
Darth Vader
Lex Luthor
Wolfram and Heart
the Mayor
the “First”
Tony Soprano
Arvin Sloan
Sherry Palmer
Teri Hatcher
__________ (insert evil villain here)

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Acting in Vancouver

For Monday’s audition I must transform myself into a girl who has had her soul displaced by "Akiimu", an ancient Babylonian spirit who wreaks havoc and murder wherever she goes. Apparently, ol' Akiimu likes to hang out at sweet bars, make out with biker dudes, and dance to cheesy power ballads. There really is no accounting for taste.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Glitter is gold

I admit it. I love Christmas. I just can't get enough shiny, sparkly, glittery things. I think I'm withdrawing from my figure skating days. -- on my dress, in my hair, on my eye lashes, on my finger nails... glitter, sequins, rhinestones, crystals... more, more, more! Make me shine like the star that I am!

And who doesn't love sequins? I'll tell you who doesn't. The girl who skates after you in the wake of your sequin parade. There is nothing more spectacular (I mean horrifying) than your main competition stumbling over your left-over sparkles. Oh no! Oooh! Ouch. Poor thing. I hope that fall won't effect her over-all standings. Off the medal podium? Aww, what a shame!

The Sequin Splat. If it doesn't happen to you, it's a good thing.

A year and a bit in review (part two)

Spring Trip 2006 to Varadero, Cuba.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sally-ann's bird watching

I interrupt this stunning montage for another fabulous 'glogger', Sally-ann. I think we can all learn something "precious" from Sally-ann.

A year and a bit in review (part one)

August 2005: Ry and I moved to Vancouver. Here are some pictures of our apartment in Coal Harbour right by Stanley Park.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The 'Magic' of Student Films

This summer, at the urging of my agent for more on-set experience, I auditioned for the lead in a student film. After two call-backs, I was cast as "Clara" a quirky, yet loving waitress who comes between two men. Original? Absolutely. I was feeling uninspired going into the project, but the director seemed focused on setting the bar high. He cited Krzysztof Kieslowski's "Blue" and Michel Gondry's "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" as inspirations for this film. Sounds good? Sure does. And it was, until I found out that we were shooting the majority of the "bar scenes" at a derelique strip club. Oh yes.

Nevertheless, I trucked on and showed up at 6am each day for the duration of the 5-day shoot. I cannot express the wealth of knowledge I accumulated from being a part of such a well-run movie making machine. I will not even try to explain my personal transformation. Perhaps I could quote an old Mariah Carey song instead… “spread your wings and prepare to fly, for you have become a butterfly, oh fly...” Oh sorry, that’s a bit too much. What I will do instead, is let you in on some of the magical movie moments which transpired. You see, in an effort to preserve the 'magic', I transcribed (word for word) some of the on-set conversations I witnessed. And now, because of the miracle of the blog, the magic shall pass to you.
Day One:

Fat ‘actor’ guy: You know what would suck… (pause - deep in thought) you’re walking on the beach and you find a HUGE chest of gold

Surfer ‘prop’ guy: Yah, totally.

Fat guy: I mean how would you carry it? Gold is SUPER heavy –

Surfer guy: Yah, totally, like a bar of gold is so errrg (makes a zombie motion with arms).

Fat guy: -- yah just like a camera case full of it would, like, wrench my arm. I think I’d just find a way, I dunno, (pause) I’d find a way (pause) to like strap it to myself—

Surfer guy: Huh huh, yah, like stuff it in my clothes until I couldn’t fit any more – I’d be like whoa whoa (motions with arms)

Fat guy: I wonder what a good cover story would be (dead serious)

Surfer guy: Yeah, I dunno (pause). You could say it was fake gold, like for a movie or something, or maybe pretend you’re working on a movie –

Fat guy: -- yeah that’s a plan (hand motion “guns”) but wouldn’t they notice that you had all this gold strapped to your body

Surfer guy: Oh yeah… (pause). Sucks.
Day Two:

Boom girl: I’m so sleepy I could just…. ahh the sun is so nice… nice.. sleepy.. oh! I totally had to most weirdest creepiest dream. It was you, me, Jessie, Sam, Susan, Carrie, and Dave and we were all in a closet, but because we were fighting a war, you know, with the outside world, or something, we couldn’t get out and Dave was super pale, like dying or something, and you were off somewhere --

Surfer guy: Oh cool!

Fat guy: That’s so freaky.

Boom girl: -- and then you and me had to babysit for these kids, like twenty of them and most of them were Siamese twins –

Surfer guy: Weird!!

Boom girl: I know!!

Fat guy: That’s SO freaky

Boom girl: --and dave was so pale, I was sure he was dead or something --

Surfer guy: A ZOMBIE… errrgg… (mimics a zombie)

Boom girl: -- so then we –

Surfer guy: I can, like control my dreams. It’s almost like I’m awake. But I heard somewhere that even if you can control you’re dreams you shouldn’t, cuz it’s like bad for you (pause) your health.

Boom girl: -- oh totally, so the Siamese twins had a really big head … uh heads –

Surfer guy: -- when I was 15, I use to sit in school with my eyes WIDE open, like this (pulls open his squinty eyes) but I’d be dreaming about all kinds of things.
Day Three:

The crew, bored with making the movie on this hot, summer day, has started a “hacky sack” game. Only their hacky sack is a ball made out of electrical tape and their hacky sacking is actually just throwing the ball to each other. They seem amused by this. This scene takes us to the first throw of this thrilling game.

Surfer guy: HORSE! (throws tape at boom girl – still holding boom)

Boom girl: what?

Surfer guy: oh sorry, I’m from the States.

Boom girl: oh yeah. Here we call it “SHUCK”.
Day Four:

The AD is the hugest dork I have ever seen. Stringy hair tied back in a haphazard ponytail with a full ugly patchy beard. Here’s the clincher, he’s wearing a Walmart special Superman shirt. It is so big and ill-fitted. His skinny, clammy body just hangs inside it like a hammock. Besides being the first AD (read: PA) he is also the “On-set Safety Supervisor”. Each day before shooting, he takes a moment to review some important on-set safety issues.

Superman: Hey, Hi! Hey! (awkward silence). So now that we’ve got everyone here, actors, extras and crew (pause) well we are still waiting on a few anyway (frustrated pause). Before we begin today I’d like to go through some important safety notices which are really important when we’re all on set like this. First, does everyone have a water bottle? (holds up Exhibit A water bottle) Well, everyone should get one from –

Craft service girl: -- Hey, hey! (waves arms to grab attention) We have NO water bottles left. NONE (yelling) Yesterday (glare) those of you who were on set (glare) (20+ people in 30 degree heat for 9 hours) took all the bottles we had for the entire shoot (12 small bottles). I am very disappointed in you. So now you’ll all have to use paper cups and drink tap water, because that’s what you get!

Superman: (nervous laugh) Ahem, well dehydration is an issue, so maybe those of you without a water bottle should make a trip to the corner store.

Surfer guy: Yah there’s a Starbucks, so you can get some coffee

Boom girl: Oh yeah, I love coffee. Weeee! Caffine! Caffine! (she can’t really control the volume of her voice)

Superman: Bad idea! (shut down) (pause) (nervous giggle) Coffee is REALLY bad for dehydration, I mean coffee is about the opposite of water.
Day Five:

I’ve just walked into the derelique strip club we are filming in. It’s early and I’m tired. I walk in and put my bag down. Suddenly I notice a small Asian girl with very large glasses, dressed in baggy white sweatpant suit with brand new tennis shoes, standing right in front of me.

Extra girl: Hi!

Me: Hey (avoid avoid)

Extra girl: Hi, I’m Sonny. I’m in Class 101 (reaches forward to shake my hand)

Me: Hey. (avoid eye contact)

Extra girl: Who are you?

Me: I’m Lisa – I’m playing Clara in the production.

Extra girl: I’m just Sonny. (dead serious)

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