Sunday, December 31, 2006

things I learnt this year

And now I shall reflect on some of the things I learnt from the year that was 2006:

1. Global warming seems to be a bit of an "issue". According to Dennis Quaid, an important US climatologist, the worst is yet to come. Watch out for those super-cells, they are especially nasty. So let's all recycle. Good.

2. Terrorists are never Americans. It's really that simple.

3. Jack Bauer would make a great president. Everything squared up in 24 hours. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. Yah, that's right. Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

4. Pluto: Still a cartoon dog, but not a planet. After failing to comply with Celestial Body Classification #3 the object has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, Pluto was demoted to "dwarf planet" status. Crap. Now what am I gonna do with my grade 7 science project?

5. We are only as sick as the alien inside us. Quick grab your e-meter and release your inner thetan! Besides being a super way to meet A-listers, "Scientology is the only specific cure for radiation burns." Wow. Impressive. What else L. Ron? "Arthritis vanishes, myopia gets better, heart illness decreases, asthma disappears, stomachs function properly and the whole catalogue of illnesses goes away and stays away." I know my stomachs are already feeling better just listening to your words. Healing power. Praise Xenu!

5. We should all thank youtube for finding a useful medium for glitchy 5-year old web cameras and their pasty teenage basement-dwelling owners.

6. Mac or PC? Microsoft answers the age-old debate with the Zune. Nice One. Really.

Happy 2007!


Heatherness said...

Things I learned in the last hours of 2006: Don't drink your weight in booze.

My.Head. Hurts.

Lisa Bettany said...

A valuable lesson indeed.

Try Extra. Strength. Tylenol.

Anonymous said...

Terrorists are almost always Arabs. Seriously?

Do them darn coloured's commit all them crimes too?

The IRA thanks you for taking the attention away from their non-arabness.

And I post anonymously, not because I am a chicken or weak but because I don't want my name appearing on your blog.


Heather said...

Dear anonymous,

Here is what you should learn for 2007 :

The ability to detect tongue in cheek sarcasm.

Lisa wasn't saying that she believes all terrorists are Arabs. What she was saying is that the media (namely American media anyway) has taken it upon itself to make us identifty arab-ness with being a terrorist.

Learn to think please.

Lisa Bettany said...

Thanks for defending my comedic license Heather. It truly astonishes me that anon doesn't get it. Perhaps anon has never seen The Daily Show or The Colbert Report or SNL or political comedy or comedy of any sort. But a brain so small might explode on contact with such mentally taxing materials. And that would be sad.


I will leave you with this dialogue from the BBC Office:
(Someone is told a “black man’s cock” joke)
“I can see why someone would find that offensive.”
“It’s not racist though, is it? I don’t say anything bad about black people.”
“It’s about a black man’s cock.”
“Why is that racist, it just happens to be a black man’s cock, it could equally-”
“No, you’re using the stereotype the ethnic stereotype that all black men have large penises because you think that makes it funnier.”
“It’s not an insult though, it’s a compliment if anything.”
“So you’re saying black people should be flattered because they’re only achievement in this world is having over-sized genitalia?”
“I’m saying they shouldn’t be ashamed of ‘em.”
“It’s a myth.”
“I don’t know Jennifer, I could show a magazine where literally-”
“Could you?”
“Well I haven’t got it with me, when are you next in?”

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